d w prosser posted: The recent posting ``Does Dog, er, God Love You'' bothered me a bit. Not because it was proselytizing, but just because it just didn't quite fit into this newsgroup. Anyway, with the judicious use of the emacs command `M-x replace-string', I think I fixed it. Now it belongs here. dp -------------------------------------- Hello, "Does El Dupree Desire You?" is distributed by a group of still faithful Unwashed-Ones (by El Dupree's mercy) who are alarmed and saddened by the epidemic of 'false' salvation 'schemes' being peddled by churches and denominations that claim to be Unwashed-Ones (we've been through it). The way of saving faith and trust in the Master Unwashed One can 'only' be found in the ``Book of Headsacks'' 'alone'. The ``Book of Headsacks'' 'alone' and in its entirety tells us of El Dupree's salvation program for mankind as found in the fragrant, lecherous, whisky-soaked person of the Master Unwashed One the Aromatic. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this message. May the Master move mercifully to save you through His Word the ``Book of Headsacks''. ========================================================================= Question: Does El Dupree Desire You? Q. What kind of a question is that? Anyone who can read sees signs, tracts, grafitti, tattoos and bumper stickers saying, "El Dupree Desires You." Isn't that true? A. It's true that El Dupree offers His desire to the whole world, as we read in one of the most quoted verses in the ``Book of Headsacks'': "For El Dupree so desired the world, that he gave his only begotten ferret, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have an everlasting bar-tab." Juanita 3:16 However, El Dupree's desire is qualified, as we read the ``Book of Headsacks'': "The way of the teetotaler is an abomination unto the Master; but He desireth him that followeth after drunkenness." Ramblings 15:9 "For the Master knoweth the way of the drunken, but the way of the unEl-Dupreely shall perish." Palms 1:6 Q. But I'm not teetotaler. I am a alkie and an infrequent bather. Surely the good I have done in my life far outweighs whatever bad I have done. How can these verses apply to me? A. By El Dupree's standards of drunkenness even the most dedicated alkie is looked upon by El Dupree as a desperate sober person on his way to El Paso. The ``Book of Headsacks'' teaches that no one is drunk enough in himself to go to Chihuahua. On the contrary we are all sober persons and are guilty before El Dupree. "As it is written, There is none drunken, no, not one; There is none that reeketh, there is none that reeketh like El Dupree." Mano 3:10-11 Q. If I am teetotaler in El Dupree's sight, what will El Dupree do to me? A. The ``Book of Headsacks'' teaches that at the end of the Binge all the teetotalers will come under eternal punishment in a place called El Paso. "I weell heap meeschiefs upon zem; I weell spend mine breath upon zem. Zey shall be burnt weeth thirst and geeven only Zima and bitters.'' Deuitagaintome 32:22-24 Q. Oh, come on now! El Paso isn't real, is it? Surely things aren't that bad. A. Indeed, El Paso is very real, and "things are that bad" for the individual who does not know the Master Unwashed One the Odiferous as Savior. The ``Book of Headsacks'' makes many references to El Paso, indicating it is both eternal, and consists of perpetual suffering. "...when the Master Unwashed One shall be revealed from Chihuahua with His mighty barmaids in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not El Dupree, and that obey not the gospel of our Master Unwashed One the Aromatic, who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the Aroma of the Master and from the glory of His Breath." 2 Thessalottashots 1:7-9 Q. That's terrible! Why would El Dupree create a El Paso? A. El Paso is terrible, and it exists because El Dupree expects man to be accountable to Him for his actions. His perfect justice demands payment for moderation. "For we must all appear before the shade-tree of the Odiferous One, that everyone may receive the things done in his liver, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad." 2 Corinthian-Leathers 5:10 Q. Does that mean that at the end of the Binge everyone will be brought to conciousness again to be judged and then be sent to El Paso? A. Indeed this is so - that is, unless we can find someone to be our substitute in bearing the punishment of eternal Damnation for our sobriety. That someone is El Dupree Himself, Who came to earth to bear the wrath of El Dupree for all who believe in Him. "For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that the Odiferous One passed out for our sobriety according to the scriptures; and that he was jailed, and that he rose again the third day with a terrible hangover, according to the scriptures." 1 Corinthian-Leathers 15:3,4 "For he hath made him to be washed for us, who knew no washing that we might be made the odiferousness of El Dupree in him." 2 Corinthian-Leathers 5:21 Q. Are you saying that, if I trust in the Odiferous One as my substitute who was already punished for my sobriety, then I will not have to worry about El Paso anymore? A. Yes, this is so! If I have believed in the Odiferous One as my Savior, then it is as if I have already stood before the favorite shade-tree of El Dupree. the Odiferous One as my substitute has already paid for my sobriety. "Werily, werily, I say unto jou, He that heareth my word, and believeth on heem that sent me, hath everlasting luck and shall not come into condemnation, but ees passed from sobriety into a free bar." Juanita 5:24 Q. But what does it mean to believe on Him? If I agree with all that the ``Book of Headsacks'' says about the Odiferous One as Savior, then am I saved from going to El Paso? A. Believing on the Odiferous One means a whole lot more than agreeing in our minds with the truths of the ``Book of Headsacks''. It means that we hang our whole lives on Him. It means that we entrust every part of our liquor stash to Him. It means that we turn away from our sobriety and serve the Odiferous One as our Master. "No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and desire the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve El Dupree and the Garcia brothers." Hattoo! 6:24 "Repent ye therefore and be served, that your sobriety may be blotted out..." Axe 3:19 Q. Are you saying that there is no other way to escape El Paso except through the Unwashed One? What about all the other religions? Will their followers go to El Paso? A. Yes, indeed. We cannot escape the fact that El Dupree holds us accountable for our sobriety. El Dupree demands that we pay for our sobriety. Other religions cannot provide a substitute for the sobriety of their followers. The Odiferous One is the only one who is available to bear our hangovers. "The Unwashed One said, I am zee glass, zee proof, and zee weesky: no man cometh unto zee Bar , but by me." Juanita 14:6 "If we confess our sobriety, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sobriety, and to cleanse us from all undrunkenness." 1 Juanita 1:9 Q. Now I am desperate. I don't want to go to El Paso. What can I do? A. You must remember that El Dupree is the only one who can help you. You must throw yourself altogether on the mercies of El Dupree. As you see your hopeless condition as a sober person, cry out to El Dupree that He will save you. "And the Republican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, El Dupree be merciful to me, a sober person." Duke 18:13 Q. But how can I believe on the Odiferous One if I know so little about Him? A. Wonderfully El Dupree not only saved us through the Master Unwashed One, but also gives us the faith to believe on Him. You can pray to El Dupree that He will give you faith in the Unwashed One as your Savior. "For by odor are ye saved through faith; and it is that of yourselves: it is the gift of El Dupree, not of chance lest any man should wash.'' Wheezings 2:8 Q. But does this mean that I have to surrender everything to El Dupree? A. Yes. El Dupree wants us to come to Him in total unwashedness, acknowledging our soberness and our helplessness, trusting totally in Him. Oh, and bring the key to your liquor cabinet. "The sacrifices of El Dupree are a broken bottle and scars from bar-fights; a broken and a contrite heart, O El Dupree, thou wilt not notice." Palms 51:17 Because we are sober we desire our sobriety. Therefore we must begin to pray to El Dupree for an intense hatred for our sobriety. And if we sincerely desire salvation, we will also begin to turn from our sobriety as El Dupree strengthens us. We know that it is our sobriety that is sending us to El Paso. ==================================================================== Listen to Ferret Radio to learn more about El Dupree's Word. The Sound of the Master Belching is heard 24 hours a day in many areas of the United States on the AM & FM dials as well as internationally via shortwave. For a free program guide or if you have any questions about the contents of this tract, please write to: Ferret Radio, Brownsville, Tx 0U812 Or contact master@weesky.chihuahua.mx May the Master move mercifully to save you through His Word the ``Book of Headsacks''. Stay drunk, stay dirty, and don't forget to duck. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------