Mistaken Identity
                        or
                Desperate Escape 

For Jack Darkhand.

[by Paul Kilzer]

As he entered his cubicle, he saw that the phone's message light was on.
Lifting the receiver, he called up the voice-mail system and entered
his password. Selecting the "Hear New Messages" option, he waited
expectantly.

Then the all too familiar voice from his past came on the line.
"Yoo theenk yoo can evade me forever, El Dupree, but I know 
where yoo are and I am coming behind yoo soon.
I, I haave My eye on yoo, El Dupree and yoo will never 
escape me, Heh Heh Heh heh heh."

A cold sweat broke upon his forehead, his hands shook and he
was transported.   Back to the road, back to the desert, back to 
the heat and filth and suffering, broken only by the all too brief
respite of supply runs into Mejavi Mai.  

He was not El Dupree.  He had only studied under El Dupree, or rather
BESIDE El Dupree;  The only thing to be learned beneath The Odoriferous
Great One would be which was more lethal: a crushing weight, a suffocating
stench or attempting to breath one's own vomit, and the student, while
usually far more informed at the end of the exercise, was also usually
dead.

So, while studying BESIDE El Dupree, he had once made a trip into 
Valle Dolid for food and water.  There he had met Carmelita, Spirit
of the Sun, love of his life, mother of his child, and Daughter of 
the Governor.  It was the last part that had caused all the troubles.

The Governor had plans for Carmelita, plans that would increase his 
domain and consolidate empires within the peninsula.  Plans that turned
Carmelita's stomach in ways that no mere odor could.  She was a smart
young lady, well educated, strong and wise to the ways of the world.  All
she needed was a little assistance to escape to a land that was not under
the sway of her father.

Ever since she had stated her refusal to marry "The Duke", Carmelita 
had been forbidden to drive. Her father was wise to the ways of the
world also.  Even when going for a ride on her mare Shadow she was
accompanied by an armed escort.  While she knew she could make it on 
her own, she could not guarantee safety of anyone who dared to help
her.  

But the legend of El Dupree gave her hope.  Heard as snatches of rumors,
whispered amongst the servants, Carmelita had finally asked her chambermaid
to tell her what she knew of this mysterious man.  Rosa, who was more of
a matron than a maid, didn't have much to say.  "They say he is the only 
truly free man in all of Mexico.  He has a smell so strong that only the
pure survive - if you have sinned it will cling to your skin and grow until
you must kill yourself to escape it.  His pants are always too tight. And 
he has a touch so quick and light it makes girls with impure thoughts
faint to see him pick his teeth." [We don't exactly know what this means
either. So don't ask. -ed.]

When our protagonist arrived in Valle Dolid, he had with him a headsack which
El Dupree had lent him for the trip.  While not as strong as The Presence
of Himself, it must be said that the sack did stink a little. This smell,
and the fact that his pants were a little snug, lead Carmelita to approach
him.

While he could never forget the slightest detail of that first encounter,
the fact that he engaged in what he calls "just a LITTLE prevarication" 
causes him too much shame to recount the tale.  When Carmelita is asked, 
she just says, "Ooooh, that bastard!" and spits on the ground.  So the 
story is lost to history.

We do know that two days later they arrived at El Dupree's camp in the 
rain forest.  Carmelita was pregnant and our protagonist was about to
begin his descent.

To make a long story short, Carmelita and her child live in Mejavi Mai
where they play a crucial role in the local economy, El Dupree is where
ever he may be found, and our protagonist is once again about to abandon
the life he has built for himself.

Knowing that it was only a matter of hours, if not minutes, before the 
Governor's men break down the door, he reached into a drawer and pulled 
out a can and a can-opener.  Nothing less than a hermeticly sealed can
could contain the stench.  With a wink and a nod to Pop-Eye he had used
a label from some canned spinach to disguise it, but he knew what it
held.   With a mixture of dread and relief he opened the can.  Three
years worth of fermentation-gasses hissed out into the room.  His vision 
dimmed.  While he watched the star-show before him, the can dropped to the
floor and the headsack expanded half way out of the can.

When his vision cleared, he reached down, pulled the headsack out of the 
can and braced himself for the inevitable.  Grabbing the can, the opener and
his car keys, he left the building for the last time.  "Better to do this
in the car," he thought, "or I might not escape."

Climbing into his car he told himself that most famous of lies, "it will
only stink a little, and then I won't feel a thing."  As he pulled the 
sack over his head, Diego San Martin knew that the never ending journey was 
about to begin again.

        The empty can was enlightened.